"Just friends" in a culture of confusion (and the God who redeems our messes)
I’ll admit, I’m scared to write about this. In fact, I’ve attempted this blog numerous times, but it’s been difficult for me to wrap my arms around it; to adequately express my own failures while fairly discussing how the failures of others deeply impacted me; and to bring it all full circle, back to the goodness and sovereign purposes of God in my life.
So let me begin with the obvious, and hopefully that will get the ball rolling…
As a woman, I’m a responder. I was created to respond to a man’s initiative and leadership. Regardless of whether our society deems this a popular or scandalous idea, I find it beautiful, biblical, and unarguable. Throughout history and throughout Scripture, we clearly see this to be true.
So what happens when we women “play” at this role of responding? What happens when lines get fuzzy and roles become unclear between men and women?
This brings me to the much-afeared topic-at-hand: guy friendships.
There’s probably a lot of material out there that addresses this issue much better than I ever could, a lot of people who have much more wisdom and counsel than I can offer. But what I share here is simply my own journey, with lessons I learned along the way. If it resonates with your own heart and encourages you in the midst of some confusion or discouragement, well—that would make it all worth it.
During my single years, I think there was a part of me that felt a deep need for male relationships: in fact, guy interaction, attention, and affirmation seemed to fill a void created by my singleness. Because I grew up with two brothers, I found guy friendships easier and even more enjoyable than girl friendships. I loved baseball games, practical jokes, witty humor, and war movies. I could banter with the best of them and hold a deep theological conversation. I truly loved my guy friends.
Some of this was natural and healthy; some of it was unhealthy.
I eventually came to recognize some problematic patterns in my more intimate guy friendships: I allowed myself to become a confidante, an intimate counselor, an encourager, a loyal companion, and almost a “helpmeet” to a series of guys who, at one point or another, expressed interest in me or pursuit of me, but either lost interest along the way or—changed their mind? I don’t know. Lulled into a sense of security by our friendship, I responded to their initiative outside of any solid commitment from them. Not surprisingly, this ended poorly every time.
(One of my guy friendships prompted a roommate to ask me, “If he were to propose to you in the next few days, would you be ready to say yes?” WHAT?! How did I let a friendship go that far?)
My husband Eddie is passionate about the role of men. He often says that a man who claims to love God but who “takes advantage” of his sisters in Christ (i.e., doesn’t lead in defining a relationship and guarding a woman’s heart; enjoys the benefits of a friendship—be they emotional or physical—without commitment; and has girl relationships that would need to change drastically when he marries) is not an honorable man; he does not represent Christ well. From Eddie’s perspective, to ignore the very essence of godly, biblical manhood (leading and protecting women as Christ does the Church) is no small problem.
But this problem is rampant in our culture. And oddly enough, in my own experience, I found it to be more of a problem in Christian circles than in secular circles. Non-Christian guys straight-up asked me out. Christian guys could treat me like a girlfriend without ever defining any intentions.
By my early thirties, I had experienced many such undefined relationships, and I was truly weary of the toll it took on my heart to wade through the confusion, try to interpret the meaning of guys’ words and actions—and still end up feeling like an idiot for getting emotionally involved. (But didn’t a godly man just take me out to dinner, cover the tab, look deep into my eyes and say sweet things to me, and end the night with prayer? Am I going crazy?!)
Let me stop here and clarify two things: first, these guys were great guys and I know they didn’t mean to mislead me. They probably had the best of intentions. I risked my time and emotions only because they appeared to be excellent men who loved the Lord and had first-rate marriageable qualities. They were genuinely good guys. Second, I was part of the problem. I was at fault for allowing myself to stay in those situations as long as I did. I could have drawn clearer boundaries for myself; I should have discerned sooner and spoken up more boldly. I was guilty of encouraging and even nurturing these friendships. I clung to sentimental hope apart from any commitment.
But despite my own failures and the failures of these men, I know the Lord didn’t waste any of those years, friendships, or hard lessons—and I value and treasure my husband all the more because of it. I’ve told Eddie again and again that he left all those other guys in the dust. The backdrop of my disappointments and disillusionments only served to spotlight God’s lavish and glorious provision of Eddie.
One of the things that immediately impressed me about Eddie was how he interacted with girls. (If you want a good measure of a man’s character, watch how he treats women.) He wasn’t best friends with them. He had clear boundaries and was obviously not playing the field. He kept tabs on how long his conversations were with girls and cut them off at a certain point. (He still does this. It may sound drastic, but it leaves no room for questions or misunderstandings.) On this side of marriage, it’s an amazing gift to be able to trust my husband around other girls. The purity and purposefulness he was practicing before we even met, has resulted in great peace and trust within our marriage today.
I wish I’d known of an Eddie from the beginning so I could have identified and avoided my guy problems. To put it bluntly, I think I got so used to “boys” that I didn’t know what a “man” was anymore. I feel dumb admitting that. I knew I was weary of guy friendships, but until Eddie came along, I couldn’t have explained why! He took the pressure off me, didn't make me play the guessing game, gave clear leadership, guarded my heart, and didn't require me to "give signals" (whatever that is anyway) or respond apart from his commitment to me. Praise the Lord!
Hindsight is 20/20, isn’t it? It’s all so clear to me now, on this side of marriage, and I have to shake my head at some of the decisions I made and red flags I overlooked during those years. I was truly wanting to do what was right and to give some great guys a chance, open up my heart (and not be a brick wall as one guy friend had accused me of being!), and not be afraid of risking some hurt along the way. (Risking and hurt are always part of any relationship.) I asked godly friends and family for input and I cried out to God for help and wisdom. But perhaps my felt need for male relationships complicated things? Or maybe I simply needed to experience the mess and maze of those friendships in order to be broken and humbled and prepared for one incredible man to arrive on the scene.
Our culture breeds confusion in our male-female relationships, doesn’t it? That’s why I risk sharing all of this. Maybe you are a single girl who is smack-dab in the middle of the pressure-cooker, and it helps to hear that you’re not crazy! You’re made to respond, but you’re called to guard your heart until a man of integrity comes to proclaim his commitment to you and lead you into a godly relationship.
And, yes, it may get a little messy along the way, but God has indescribable good in store for those who love Him and are called according to His purposes (Genesis 50:10, Romans 8:28). He loves to redeem our messes. He loves to write stories that show His strength in our weakness.
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