The Perfect Man: Coming soon to a theater near you!

Article by Colleen Chao (reposted with permission)

It absolutely amazes me how our husbands (and for that matter, let me just lump in boyfriends and fiancées while I’m at it) bear up under the weight of our girlish expectations. I mean, think about it: They’re supposed to surprise us with flowers, be ever tender and thoughtful, anticipate our needs, glory in how mesmerizing and sexy we are, communicate intimately with us, listen tenderly to our hearts (or at the very least, read our minds), share in our interests, be witty and entertaining, plan wildly romantic dates, be a godly leader everyone looks up to, worship our beauty, never find any other girl even remotely attractive, make an exceedingly good income, and most importantly, have life all figured out and under control.

What?! What are we thinking?! Don’t you get the feeling that we’ve watched a few too many chick flicks?

For years I’ve loved the mantra, “Let man be man and God be God.” In other words, let the guy off the hook, for cryin’ out loud! But the moment we feel like we’ve settled this issue and are able to laugh with maturity at the ridiculous list above, a sneaky new little “want” or demand finds a home in our heart. Suddenly our man must play God in order for us to be happy.

In her book A Man Worth Waiting For, Jackie Kendall boasts that her husband is a wonderful man but admits he makes a horrible God. Elisabeth Elliot elaborates on this in Love Has a Price Tag:

“A wife, if she is very generous, may allow that her husband lives up to perhaps eighty percent of her expectations. There is always the other twenty percent that she would like to change, and she may chip away at it for the whole of their married life without reducing it by very much. She may, on the other hand, simply decide to enjoy the eighty percent, and both of them will be happy.”

Now here’s where I get to boast in my own husband: he’s truly and absolutely amazing. He’s a “ninety-five percent” kinda guy (not just eighty), and I definitely got the better end of the deal when we married. But he’s not perfect. Praise the Lord, he’s not perfect! (Otherwise I’d be constantly intimidated and insecure.) No, as imperfect man and wife, Eddie and I get to journey together, learning and growing and messing up together. Eddie gets to see “Colleen: The Uncut Version,” and I get to see “Eddie Unedited.” What a privilege! No one else will ever know us in the intimate way we know each other—the good, the bad, and the ugly, day in, day out.


One year ago tomorrow, Eddie got down on one knee, held out a sparkly diamond, and said, “Will you marry a sinner like me?” He understood, even before we were married, that we were each choosing someone who fell “short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). He endearingly called us “struggle buddies,” knowing full well that we both would struggle—but together, within a lifelong covenant love.



Credit: Lorelei Conover Photography

Do we really think we’ll be the exception and marry another God incarnate? Nope. On the contrary, we get our perfect match: a sinner like us, redeemed by Jesus!

I have long loved Psalm 118:8: “It is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man; it is better to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in princes.”

Do I trust my husband? Oh, yes! In fact, I proved my trust in him when I said, “I do” eight months ago and committed my whole life to him. But my ultimate trust and hope is in the Lord. For us girls, this is easier said than done: by default, we like to trust in a man we can see and hear and touch. Trusting in the Lord is an exercise of faith, but boy is it worth it! It takes the pressure off our men and also allows us to be freed from our unrealistic expectations (which in turn makes us happier)!

As a newlywed, I have years of learning ahead of me. I obviously don’t know much just eight months into marriage. But what I do know is that Eddie and I are both works-in-progress, covenant companions on this journey home into Abba's presence. Along the way, we get to lavish each other with mercy and grace (oh, if I could only tell you how much grace Eddie gives me!), overlook a multitude of offenses (see Proverbs 10:12, 17:9, 1 Peter 4:8), and delight in the way God perfectly designed us for each other, our strengths and our weaknesses.

With Reckless Abandon

"I thought of you," she said with a sincere smile, while I tried to will my mouth not to drop open.

A coworker of mine was telling me about her Bible study and how they were talking about joy. I was the first person who came to her mind, because I'm "always happy and smiling."

If I had a dollar for every time someone said that to me, I could treat us all to an all-expense paid trip to Maui! Okay, yes, that was a blatant use of comedic hyperbole, but you get my point. ;)

Anyway, I thanked her for her kind words, but was quick to reveal the truth: the joy she sees is a gift of grace. For the most part, I am pretty content and joyful these days. I have a lot to be thankful for and marvel at that often. Of course, there are days when I hurt and am frustrated and choosing joy is something I can't do apart from Him. Then there are other days when joy comes bubbling forth with reckless abandon and I'm just so overwhelmed with thankfulness I can hardly stand it! :) You know, the days that are punctuated with inexplicable joy. . .the kind you should be downcast on, but instead you just want to fling your arms back, spin around in a twirly skirt and break out into song. . .like a fabulous old school musical. :) I'm thankful for those days, but I'm even more thankful for the days when choosing joy is difficult. The difficulty makes me lean on my Lord that much more and fall before His throne of grace to see me through.

So, all this got me thinking about how it relates to marriage (you knew I had a point, didn't you?). I know too much to think that marriage will be an endless stream of sunshine and roses or candlelit dinners and romance, and that there will be times when choosing to be a joyful, submissive and respectful wife will be possible only by God's grace.

I'm grateful for opportunities I have now to strengthen my character, so that I will be a better support to the man God has for me.

"Be joyful always!" ~ 1 Thessalonians 5:16

Week 9: His Trials

My heart is already growing in love for a man I've never met.

This was the thought that flashed across my mind this morning as I got ready to post the following prayer and pray for the future husband God has for me. Every time I pray for him, I know I'm laying a foundation for the prayer life I want to continue to cultivate as his wife. I keep thinking about what my pastor's wife said about prayer in her Bible study (His Word for Wives). The part about how prayer binds our hearts to the person we're praying for and I love to think how my heart is already being knit with his and supporting him through prayer even now. *insert beaming smile here* :)

God, you are our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). You have invited us to "come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need" (Hebrews 4:16). I come before Your throne and ask for grace for my future husband. Strengthen his heart for this battle and give him patience to wait on You (Psalm 27:1-4). Build him up so that no mater what happens he will be able to stand strong through it. Help him to be always "rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer" (Romans 12:12). Give him endurance to run the race and not give up, for You have said that "a righteous man may fall seven times and rise again" (Proverbs 24:16).

Lord, You alone know the depth of the burden my husband carries. I may understand the specifics, but You have measured the weight of it on his shoulders. I've not come to minimize what You are doing in his life, for I know You work great things in the midst of trials. I only want to support him so that he will get through this battle as the winner. Help him to remember that "the steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord, and He delights in his way. Though he fall, he shall not be utterly cast down; for the Lord upholds him with His hand" (Psalm 37:23, 24).

Lord, I pray that in the midst of trials my husband will look ot You to be his refuge "until these calamities have passed by" (Psalm 57:1). May he learn to wait on You because "those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint" (Isaiah 40:31). I pray that he will find his strength in You and as he cries out to You, You will hear him and save him out of all his troubles (Psalm 34:6). Teach him to cast his burdens on You and let You sustain him through everything that is happening in his life. Amen.

Confessions, Forgiveness and a little C.S. Lewis

"Forgiveness unleashes JOY. It brings PEACE. It washes the slate clean. It sets all the highest values of love in motion. In a sense, forgiveness is Christianity at its highest level." ~ John MacArthur

‎"To be forgiven is such sweetness that honey is tasteless in comparison with it. But there is one thing sweeter still and that is to forgive." ~ Spurgeon

If you had asked me a couple of years ago if I was bitter or battling unforgiveness, I would have said, "No, but I'm struggling with past and present hurts." God used the book, Choosing Forgiveness by Nancy Leigh DeMoss, to get a hold of my heart and show me how unforgiveness had taken root in me, was masquerading as hurt and crippling some of my relationships. I knew I was supposed to forgive and I wearily trudged through the motions of my "Christian duty." The part I struggled most with was when old memories flashed through my mind and old hurts seemed fresh and raw once again. The other aspect that was tough for me was forgiving someone who had a history of being a repeat offender.

"I know exactly what's going to happen," I murmur to myself with frustration, "I'll forgive them for this stupid thing and as soon as that's over, they'll be on to the next hurtful stupid thing! It would be so much easier to forgive if it was the last time I'd feel this pain. But they'll never change!"

Anyway, I've been thinking about forgiveness lately & this book came to mind today and I felt compelled to start rereading it. Here's a few excerpts:

"Our natural inclination is to wish upon those offenders at least a measure of what they deserve. But if we are going to be true instruments of mercy in each other's lives, we must deal in truth - God's truth. NOT blissful, artificial denial, trying to act as though the hurt never happened. Not rigid, mechanical words and formulas, as if following some legalistic, step-by-step recipe were all that was required.

I'm talking about the sweet, rich pure Word and ways of God, not laid perfunctorily or unnaturally atop our real life experiences, but pulsing with vitality, healing and grace, as God wrests reconciliation from the jaws of brokenness; as He restores, redeems, and ultimately makes all things new.

*His truth is even strong enough to face situations where an apology never comes - or where an apology is impossible due to death or some other restriction - strong enough to leave us free and whole, heart and soul, by the gift of forgiveness."

"But often we can't see it [ referring to a root of unforgiveness], even when it's there. How can you tell? For starters, see if you relate to any of these statements:

- I often replay in my mind the incident(s) that hurt me.
- When I think of a particular person or situation, I still feel angry.
- I try hard not to think about the person, event, or circumstance that caused me so much pain.
- I have a subtle secret desire to see this person pay for what he or she did to me.
- Deep in my heart, I wouldn't mind if something bad happened to the person who hurt me.
- I often find myself telling others how this person has hurt me.
- Whenever his or her name comes up, I am more likely to say something negative than something positive about him or her.

"To be a Christian," C. S. Lewis said, "means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in us."

When it comes to forgiveness, our Lord would not command us to do something that He would not enable us to do. Or that He hasn't done Himself.

I read this entire book through tears from cover to cover on a flight home a few years ago. By the time I got home, the broken parts of my heart were in God's hands & my hurt towards my offenders had turned into forgiveness (after years of going through the motions and failing at true lasting forgiveness), even though they hadn't asked me for it. That's SO God! I thought I could only move on when they really got it, acknowledged my hurt AND could promise never to hurt me again, but I learned that I can live in the FREEDOM of forgiveness regardless of anything the other person does or doesn't do. It was such a pivotal moment for me. The fact that His grace is truly sufficient had never been more real to me.

If you get a chance to read it, I'd love to know what you think of it & how it blessed you. I love discussing books as much as I love reading them! :)

Healing Through Humility

"As a 24 year old who felt her marriage was over, I could not understand what had gone so wrong. We were both Christians who loved the Lord and each other. How could we be failing so miserably in our marriage? I cried out to the Lord and turned to His Word, but I have to admit that at first it got worse. Why? Because while I read the verses meant for wives, I focused on the verses meant for husbands. I thought I had discovered the problem: look at all the things he isn't doing! If he would just start treating me the way these verses say, then it will be easy for me to submit, respect and love him."

I don't know if you're like this, but sometimes I look at certain couples and think they must have everything together, because they make it look so easy. You know, so glossy-front-cover-of-Thriving-Family magazine kind of easy.

The above excerpt is from my pastor's wife when she did a 6 week Bible study last year called, "His Word for Wives." Her raw honesty was so refreshing to me and her point of revealing her struggles was not to air dirty laundry or inspire sympathy, but to show women how living out Biblical principles and the power of prayer transformed her marriage. Through time in the Word and prayer, God opened her eyes and allowed her heart to become broken and humble before Him. It's a theme throughout Scripture, isn't it? Humility being a prerequisite to God doing amazing works in someone's life, that is. So, through that humility, she was able to focus on what God was calling her to do as a wife and to commit to praying as she hadn't prayed before (not the "Lord, help him see how he needs to change to be the husband / father I need" prayers, but along the lines of praying for ways to bless him.

A point she mentioned about prayer in her Bible study that stood out to me was, "I know that praying for someone binds out hearts to theirs in an amazing way and is powerful in tearing down walls that might have risen up between us - even when they have no idea we are praying!"

I'm so thankful she was humble enough to share her story and I hope reading this renews your belief in the power of prayer. Feel free to pass this on to anyone who might be blessed by it! :)

Kneel... Sparkle... "Yes!" by Colleen Chao

Last Tuesday night brought the best of news to our doorstep. I'm not sure what out-sparkled the other: Jonathan and Shawna's smiles or Shawna's new diamond ring.

The long-anticipated, much-prayed-for moment made me scream (and then cry) with joy. My brother has chosen a girl who exceeds all my prayers and expectations; he could not have found a better wife. And Shawna is getting one of the greatest men in the whole wide world.

But they know all this already: that's why he got down on his knee and she said yes.

In their relationship, Jonathan and Shawna have modeled for us love, contentment, purity, selflessness, compassion, honesty, thoughtfulness, and servanthood. Some of Eddie and my favorite memories have been made with Jonathan and Shawna: from times of prayer in our home to side-splitting laughter on a road trip, we've come to love and respect these two for the classy and godly and fun couple they are.

So in anticipation of their wedding day—and as I pray for their marriage like I pray for my own—I share below some tributes to marriage that have encouraged me as Eddie and I have also begun this wonderful journey. I'm so excited to share this new season of life with my dear brother and his wife—my sister!


Dave Harvey in When Sinners Say I Do
When we begin to orient our marriages around biblical truth, we see something amazing. Marriage was not just invented by God, it belongs to God. He has a unique claim over its design, purpose, and goals. It actually exists for him more than it exists for you and me and our spouses.

That’s right. Marriage is not first about me or my spouse. Obviously, the man and woman are essential, but they are also secondary. God is the most important person in a marriage. Marriage is for our good, but it is first for God’s glory.

How easy it is to act as if husband and wife are the only relevant parties in a marriage. But marriage is ultimately about God. Moreover, marriage is most amazing not because it brings people joy, or allows for a nurturing environment for children, or because it stabilizes society (even thought it does all those things). Marriage is awesome because God designed it to display his glory.

The focus of a thriving marriage is the glory of God.

John Piper in This Momentary Marriage
Staying married is not mainly about staying in love. It is about keeping covenant. “Till death do us part” or “As long as we both shall live” is a sacred covenant promise—the same kind Jesus made with his bride when he died for her. Therefore, what makes divorce and remarriage so horrific in God’s eyes is not merely that it involves covenant-breaking to the spouse, but that it involves misrepresenting Christ and his covenant. Christ will never leave his wife. Ever. There may be times of painful distance and tragic backsliding on our part. But Christ keeps his covenant forever. Marriage is a display of that! That is the ultimate thing we can say about it. It puts the glory of Christ’s covenant-keeping love on display.

Elisabeth D. Dodds on John and Sarah Edwards
When one is falling in love, just to glimpse the other person catches the breath, quickens the pulse. The touch of the precious person brings a rush of response from flesh and heart. To have known such a period is to have lived in the mood of an armistice day after a war (to be totally responsive, with emotion close to the surface). But after marriage comes familiarity. In the case of the Edwardses, familiarity bred respect. The real test of the feeling of one person for another is in the daily encounters, when one must pay bills, carry out the trash, sniffle through a head cold. This period of homely testings disclosed to the couple that they were permanently committed to one another. So they turned now to translating their love into work, into a way of life.


Carolyn Mahaney in Feminine Appeal
Although we are both sinners, God is using our marriage to help us grow in godliness. In fact, our husband’s particular sins, unique weaknesses, and even their idiosyncrasies are tailor-made for us. Likewise, our sins and weaknesses are custom-designed for them. Both husbands and wives will become more Christlike by having to deal with each other’s sins and deficiencies.

We must settle this in our hearts. We married a sinner, and so did they. But this is the hope for our marriage: God forgives sinners and helps us grow to be like Him.

Week 8: His Health

Praying over this topic for my future husband convicted me. My health needs to be a priority out of obedience to the Lord and as a gift to my future husband. I look at my parents (both almost 60 years old) and marvel at how active and healthy they are. They enjoy such a full fun-filled life because of the healthful choices they make daily. I worked out with my mom yesterday and try as I might, I couldn't catch up with her! More than keeping up with her, I want a healthy lifestyle to be something my husband and I enjoy together, so that our kids will have fun and energetic parents to chase them around. :)

Lord, I pray for Your healing touch on (husband's name). Wherever there is anything out of balance, set it in perfect working order. Heal him of any disease, illness, injury, infirmity or weakness. Strengthen his body to successfully endure his workload, and when he sleeps may he wake up completely rested, rejuvenated, and refreshed. I pray that he will have the desire to take care of his body, to eat the kind of food that brings health, to get regular exercise, and avoid anything that would be harmful to him. Help him to understand that his body is Your temple and he should care for it as such (1 Corinthians 3:16).

The Power of Submission

Yes, you read that title right. :)

This excerpt from Carolyn Mahaney's book, Feminine Appeal, is absolutely fantastic!

Submission is not a static character quality. It is a powerful, dynamic force that can actually influence an unbelieving husband. Look at 1 Peter 5:1 "Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives"

And if submission can have such profound sway over an unbelieving husband, imagine the influence it can exert upon a Christian husband who may not be obeying God's Word. Our submissive conduct actually provokes our husbands to be the leaders God intends for them to be.

For instance, have you ever had someone lean on you with his or her full body weight? What happened? Of course, your natural reaction was to exert the counter-pressure necessary to hold that person (and yourself) up. This is a picture of the effect of submission on our husbands. It places godly pressure on them. It allows them to feel the full weight of their responsibility. More often than not, they rise to the challenge.

As Elizabeth George eloquently expresses it: "Our submission to our husband--whether or not he is a Christian, whether or not he is obeying God--preaches a lovelier and more powerful sermon than our mouth every could!"

That's what it means to be a gospel wife.

Growing in Grace

‎"He who grows in grace remembers that he is but dust, and he therefore does not expect his fellow Christians to be anything more. He overlooks ten thousand of their faults, because he knows his God overlooks twenty thousand in his own case. He does not expect perfection in the creature, and, therefore, he is not disappointed when he does not find it." - C.H. Spurgeon

Purest Delight

‎"The highest joy, the greatest pleasure, the purest delight will be ours without mixture and without end. One taste of this felicity will erase all painful memories and heal each dreadful wound incurred in this vale of tears. No scar will remain. The pilgrim’s progress will be complete. The body of death, the burden of sin, will vaporize the moment we behold his face.”- R.C. Sproul, The Soul’s Quest for God

Week 7: His Choices

Lord, give my husband wisdom and discernment for every decision that he makes. May he reverence You and Your ways and seek to know Your truth. I pray that he will listen to godly counselors and that his heart would be teachable. I pray he will do what is right rather than follow the leading of his own flesh. May he not buy into the foolishness of this world, but keep his eyes on You and have ears to hear Your voice.

Proverbs 1:5 ~ A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will attain wise counsel.

Week 6: His Purpose

Lord, I pray that my husband will clearly hear the call You have on his life. Help him to realize who he is in Christ and give him the certainty he was created for a high purpose. Enable him to walk worthy of his calling and remind him of what You've called him to be. Don't let him get sidetracked with things that are unessential to Your purpose. Strike down discouragement so that it will not defeat him. Lift his eyes above the circumstances of the moment so he can see the purpose for which You created him. Give him patience to wait for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of his heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May he seek You for direction and hear when You speak to his soul.

"The God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory. . .give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints. " Ephesians 1:17, 18

~ The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie Omartian

In the Fire

I was reading Streams in the Desert this morning and so many people I know came to mind who are radiant with joy in the midst of their trials.

Here's an excerpt:

"Glorify the Lord in the fires." Isaiah 24:15

Isn't there something captivating about the sight of a person burdened with many trials, yet who is as lighthearted as the sound of a bell? Isn't there something contagious and valiant in seeing others who are greatly tempted but are "more than conquerors" (Romans 8:37)? Isn't it heartening to see a fellow traveler whose body is broken, yet who retains the splendor of unbroken patience? What a witness these give to the power of God's gift of grace!

Be Still in His Silence

"Yet His silence is not to be confused with passive agreement or consent. He is simply biding His time and will arise at the most opportune moment...Why did Jesus watch His disciples straining at he oars through the stormy night? Why did He, though unseen by others, watch the sequence of anguishing events unfold in Bethany as Lazarus slowly pases through the stages of his terminal illness, succumbed to death, and was finally buried in a rocky tomb? Jesus was simply waiting for the perfect moment when He could intercede most effectively.

Is the Lord being quiet with you? Nevertheless, He is attentive and still sees everything. He has His finger on your pulse and is extremely sensitive to even the slightest change. And He will come to save you when the perfect moment has arrived.

Whatever the Lord may ask of us or however slow He may seem to work, we can be absolutely be sure He is never a confused or fearful Savior."

O troubled soul, beneath the rod,
Your Father speaks, be still, be still;
Learn to be silent unto God,
And let Him mold you to His will

O praying soul, be still, be still,
He cannot break His promised Word;
Sink down into His blessed will
And wait in patience on the Lord.

O waiting soul, be still be strong,
And though He tarry, trust and wait;
Doubt not, He will not wait too long,
Fear not, He will not come too late.