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Have I mentioned before that I can be a grudger? Embarrassing to admit, but true.
Believe me, I don't want to be a woman who holds grudges. I pray not to be.
But, given the right circumstances and offense, it is a sin that comes naturally to me, and I have to war hard against it.
Along the way, I've learned a few lessons that I pray will encourage you if you too struggle to fully and freely forgive those who have hurt you....
Forgiveness is not always a one-time decision.
For me, it is a discipline to forgive and forget an offense. Each time thoughts of anger, revenge, or grief cross my mind, I can choose to either exercise my muscles of forgiveness (resulting in peace and freedom) or surrender to my anger and resentment (giving my offender control over me). This exercise of faith helps to strengthen my character over time and make me into a well-trained and muscular forgiver.
...suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame... Romans 5:3-5
I choose forgiveness; I don't always feel it.
Don't you wish forgiveness were a one-time decision that joyfully overflowed from your heart? Sure, once in awhile it comes easily, but for the most part, I choose to forgive long before the good feelings show up. This is an act of faith, and because it's not easy (sometimes it's the very hardest thing to do, right?), it forces me to look beyond my own (meager) strength and seek my Abba's instead. In the process, I come to know and trust and prove my Lord in amazing ways.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
The secret is looking away from myself and to Christ.
Because I don't always feel forgiving, I can be quick to condemn myself for not having a more Christlike heart.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I just get over this?
Am I horrible person?
But I shouldn't be surprised at this civil war within me—The Grudger and The Forgiver fighting to the death. Instead, I must "fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith." Only He is able to supernaturally work forgiveness in and through me, a natural grudger.
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:6-8
Remember how much I have been forgiven.
News flash: I have an inflated view of myself. So much so, that the very offense I hold against my offender, I myself have been guilty of committing countless times. My pride blinds me to my own faults and flaws (or at the very least, minimizes them), and shifts my focus to the unforgivably large faults and flaws of those around me. Humility, on the other hand, readily confesses that in my sin nature I am capable of the very worst of sins—and any goodness in me is grace. Pure and simple. So if I have been forgiven the vileness of my sin (all of it!) by an infinitely loving God, who sees past my horrific offenses and calls me righteous, how in the world can I refuse forgiveness to a fellow desperate sinner?
"And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" Matthew 18:33
Pray blessings over my offender.
Secretly hoping that my offender will suffer because of their offense against me simply keeps me in bondage to them. My expectation must be wholly in my God, not in revenge or vindication. Perhaps my name will never be cleared; perhaps my offender will never say "I'm sorry"; and maybe I will continue to suffer because of their actions. While I cannot control these outcomes, I can control my response to them by praying God's greatest blessings over that one who so deeply wounded me. I am called to pray big prayers—not for their wealth or ease or success, but for their heart to be filled to the brim with God's love; that they will long for the Lord more than anything else; that they would love and live by His Word.
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44
I'll conclude with a beautiful encouragement from Jackie Kendall in her book Free Yourself to Love. Here is her emailed response to a woman who was struggling to forgive:
"Precious sister, I have some great news for you. While researching every word translated "forgiveness" in God's Word, one of the words I found was...ready for this? In Genesis 50:17, the Hebrew idiom for "forgiveness" means: "lifting up the head." Because of Jesus, you have the ability to lift your head and walk upright with confidence. You can attend the women's event where the offending woman will be. You can forgive her in advance, and you can raise your head and walk in with God's confidence. If you, by faith, forgive this offensive woman, you can see the offender face-to-face and remain upright, full of God's love rather than anger.
"Remember, to forgive means to let go of what you want from this woman. Don't rent space to that hurt any longer! You need to move out of the condo of victimization and into the mansion of the unoffendable heart of Jesus. This is something you do by faith and not by feelings. One of the reasons we remain stuck is our pride. That pride is fueled by our shock that a fellow Christian would act so unkindly toward us.
"Raise your head, go to this event, and receive further blessings because you forgave this woman. On the way to the event, ask God's forgiveness for considering letting this woman control you more than God!"
Believe me, I don't want to be a woman who holds grudges. I pray not to be.
But, given the right circumstances and offense, it is a sin that comes naturally to me, and I have to war hard against it.
Along the way, I've learned a few lessons that I pray will encourage you if you too struggle to fully and freely forgive those who have hurt you....
Forgiveness is not always a one-time decision.
For me, it is a discipline to forgive and forget an offense. Each time thoughts of anger, revenge, or grief cross my mind, I can choose to either exercise my muscles of forgiveness (resulting in peace and freedom) or surrender to my anger and resentment (giving my offender control over me). This exercise of faith helps to strengthen my character over time and make me into a well-trained and muscular forgiver.
...suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame... Romans 5:3-5
I choose forgiveness; I don't always feel it.
Don't you wish forgiveness were a one-time decision that joyfully overflowed from your heart? Sure, once in awhile it comes easily, but for the most part, I choose to forgive long before the good feelings show up. This is an act of faith, and because it's not easy (sometimes it's the very hardest thing to do, right?), it forces me to look beyond my own (meager) strength and seek my Abba's instead. In the process, I come to know and trust and prove my Lord in amazing ways.
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." 2 Corinthians 12:9
The secret is looking away from myself and to Christ.
Because I don't always feel forgiving, I can be quick to condemn myself for not having a more Christlike heart.
What's wrong with me?
Why can't I just get over this?
Am I horrible person?
But I shouldn't be surprised at this civil war within me—The Grudger and The Forgiver fighting to the death. Instead, I must "fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith." Only He is able to supernaturally work forgiveness in and through me, a natural grudger.
Seek the Lord while he may be found;
call upon him while he is near;
let the wicked forsake his way,
and the unrighteous man his thoughts;
let him return to the Lord, that he may have compassion on him,
and to our God, for he will abundantly pardon.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:6-8
Remember how much I have been forgiven.
News flash: I have an inflated view of myself. So much so, that the very offense I hold against my offender, I myself have been guilty of committing countless times. My pride blinds me to my own faults and flaws (or at the very least, minimizes them), and shifts my focus to the unforgivably large faults and flaws of those around me. Humility, on the other hand, readily confesses that in my sin nature I am capable of the very worst of sins—and any goodness in me is grace. Pure and simple. So if I have been forgiven the vileness of my sin (all of it!) by an infinitely loving God, who sees past my horrific offenses and calls me righteous, how in the world can I refuse forgiveness to a fellow desperate sinner?
"And should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?" Matthew 18:33
Pray blessings over my offender.
Secretly hoping that my offender will suffer because of their offense against me simply keeps me in bondage to them. My expectation must be wholly in my God, not in revenge or vindication. Perhaps my name will never be cleared; perhaps my offender will never say "I'm sorry"; and maybe I will continue to suffer because of their actions. While I cannot control these outcomes, I can control my response to them by praying God's greatest blessings over that one who so deeply wounded me. I am called to pray big prayers—not for their wealth or ease or success, but for their heart to be filled to the brim with God's love; that they will long for the Lord more than anything else; that they would love and live by His Word.
"Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." Matthew 5:44
I'll conclude with a beautiful encouragement from Jackie Kendall in her book Free Yourself to Love. Here is her emailed response to a woman who was struggling to forgive:
"Precious sister, I have some great news for you. While researching every word translated "forgiveness" in God's Word, one of the words I found was...ready for this? In Genesis 50:17, the Hebrew idiom for "forgiveness" means: "lifting up the head." Because of Jesus, you have the ability to lift your head and walk upright with confidence. You can attend the women's event where the offending woman will be. You can forgive her in advance, and you can raise your head and walk in with God's confidence. If you, by faith, forgive this offensive woman, you can see the offender face-to-face and remain upright, full of God's love rather than anger.
"Remember, to forgive means to let go of what you want from this woman. Don't rent space to that hurt any longer! You need to move out of the condo of victimization and into the mansion of the unoffendable heart of Jesus. This is something you do by faith and not by feelings. One of the reasons we remain stuck is our pride. That pride is fueled by our shock that a fellow Christian would act so unkindly toward us.
"Raise your head, go to this event, and receive further blessings because you forgave this woman. On the way to the event, ask God's forgiveness for considering letting this woman control you more than God!"
