Imagine keeping a lion in a small cat-carrier. For years. Day after day. Night after night. He roars. He eats. (A lot.) His energy is endless. And yet you keep him caged.
As a single girl in my thirties who was committed by God’s grace to saving sex for marriage, I felt very much like that caged lion. Sometimes my physical drives were so strong, I despaired—the long, intense fight for purity in a sexually saturated culture seemed impossible. And while there was constant dialogue about men’s sexual struggles and temptations, there was this eerie silence when it came to girls’. Was I part man, or was this normal for women?
However, the more I opened up and shared my struggles with other single girls, the more I realized I was indeed normal and in very good company. So why wasn’t anyone talking about it?
I risk sharing vulnerably on this sensitive subject because many of you are desperate for encouragement, just as I was during my many years of waiting and warring. Don’t get me wrong: not every day of singleness was a particularly intense fight against the flesh; but every day was full of choices that either helped or hurt me in the fight. I often had to reevaluate my choices in movies, music, friends, wardrobe, and pastimes: were they feeding the desires I could not yet indulge in? Or were they calling me to faith, helping me to love God and His purity, and strengthening me to flee sexual temptation?
Some days were full of indescribable joy because of the victory God gave me. Other days brought me to the end of myself—my strength, my willpower, my resolve—and reminded me that “You are my Lord; I have no good apart from You” (Psalm 16:2). I could not boast in anything I had done; I was so keenly aware that He was sustaining me, and apart from Him I would quickly lose the battle.
My single years offered me the opportunity to discover and strengthen muscles that otherwise would have remained limp and weak. The fight for purity in our culture is so intense that if we don’t engage by the power of the Spirit and learn to use our spiritual muscles, our flesh will win—guaranteed. There’s no neutral or cruise control option here, that’s for sure.
But before we go any further, the question has to be asked:
Why do we even want to fight for sexual purity when it’s so incredibly difficult and our desires seem so natural and good—or just too powerful to control?If I can testify to anything, it’s that I found Christ to be a far greater treasure than my sexual desires. God created sex in the first place, then told us to enjoy it only within the context of marriage; so if He has us wait an excruciatingly long time for it, He is (mercifully) teaching us to meet our very deepest needs in Him alone. That’s easy to say; it’s incredibly hard to live.
I will never forget a conversation I had with an agnostic coworker who was, once again, giving me grief about not sleeping around. (Mind you, I had never offered that information at my work place, but I guess everyone had figured it out based on my lifestyle.) It ended by me saying, “Eric, Jesus is better than sex.” And by the way he looked back at me, I could tell he desperately wanted to know that was true.
I think we all want to know that’s true. If sex is the highest good in life, the greatest pleasure we can experience, we’re in trouble. Yes, sex is amazing! On this side of marriage, I can testify that God created a really good and pleasurable thing. But it doesn’t begin to compare to the greatness of God.
This is where the rubber meets the road for the single girl, doesn’t it? Do you believe that with all your heart—that God is far better than sex—or do you listen to the cries of your flesh? Do you bow down to the one true God, or do you bow down at the altar of sexual pleasure?
I remember pounding my pillow, crying out in anguish, even yelling at God when the flesh seemed too strong to fight for one more day. At times it was excruciating. But it was in those desperate moments that I found God to be exactly who He claims to be in Scripture. It was in the trenches of the fleshly fight that I learned to take my Commander at His word.
It’s true that “hope deferred makes the heart sick” (Proverbs 13:12) and suffering takes its toll. But “God is greater than our heart, and He knows everything” (1 John 3:20). If you are heartsick from this hope deferred, if you are exhausted from the long fight with your flesh, God is greater, and He knows.
He is not mean.
He is not stingy.
He is not unfair.
He is not late.
He is not deaf.
He is not unaware.
He is not unkind.
He “makes known to me the path of life; in His presence there is fullness of joy; at His right hand are pleasures forevermore” (Psalm 16:11; see also 1 Peter 5:8-10).
Like 1 Corinthians 10:13 promises, God provides a way of escape in the midst of great temptation so we can endure it. He did that for me again and again, helping me to not only escape and survive, but also to thrive during my waiting years. Here are a few of the practical ways I learned to both survive and thrive:
1.
Memorize and meditate on Scripture. I can’t overstate this enough. God’s Word has strengthened, sustained, convicted, encouraged, and changed me. Unless we’re constantly in the Truth, we’ll easily fall for lies.
2.
Be accountable. Keep talking! Be open and honest with godly, safe, and wise women in your life. When sin is brought into the light, it loses its power and stops condemning you.
3.
Exercise and eat well. Run or do Pilates or play soccer or take a dance class. Feed your body good stuff. Sitting in front of chick flicks and eating chocolate cake is not going to help the cause.
4.
Serve others. Channel your frustrated energies into caring for the people around you. Send an encouraging text to someone who’s hurting today. Host a meal at your home. Deliver coffee to a mom who’s at home with four kids.
5.
Don’t compare. Don’t keep looking at what your married friends have. Their challenges and sufferings are different, and God is about a unique work in each life. I was single long enough to watch my married friends go through extremely tough times—and to realize that God knows how to make all of us desperately need Him in very different ways.
6.
If you’re creative, make sure you have a creative outlet. At the end of one particularly rough bout with depression, I realized I had given up singing and theater and writing and all of the colorful, creative expressions that make me tick. As soon as I began creating again, I revived!
7.
Don’t borrow tomorrow’s troubles. God has given plenty of grace for TODAY. "I'm going to be single for the rest of my life!" Don't go there...
8.
Take stock of your cultural diet. Evaluate and re-evaluate your movie-watching, music-listening, clothes-wearing habits. Are you feeding or starving the lust of your flesh?
9.
Set hard-and-fast boundaries with men—for your sake and theirs. This is going to sound crazy, but for years my conviction was to never be alone with a man unless we were in a godly committed relationship. When I relaxed on that in my late twenties (“What’s the big deal about hanging out alone with good guy friends? I'm mature enough now.”), things got messy and desires were unnecessarily stirred up. Now as a married woman, I’m back to my old conviction: my husband is the only man I’ll be alone with.
10.
Keep a thankful heart. I can’t tell you what a powerful tool this is. It’s like instant heart surgery! When I thanked the Lord for my sexual passions and the hard fight to save them for marriage, it changed me. When I was in the middle of a tough day, and I started listing all of the things I was thankful for (a good cup of coffee, the sweet note my friend sent me, my job, God’s patience with me), it was like taking a shower in grace.
There is so much at stake in the battle for purity. And if you have blown it, join the club. Every last one of us has fallen short of God’s purity in one way or another, and we are all in desperate need of His grace. Dear one, keep returning to the Lover of your soul. Keep fighting and trusting by the power of the Spirit that is at work within you. God is good, and what He does is good (Psalm 119:68). As I reflect on my 34 years before marriage, I am stunned at God’s goodness to me, even when—no,
especially when—it took me to the end of myself.
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