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(I had to include a picture of Jane from 27 Dresses, because her character was the quintessential people-pleaser, which is at the heart of this article. Okay, okay. . .truth be told. . .I was convicted myself, too. I'm usually a stop-and-smell-the-roses / savor the moment type, but I have my seasons when I pile too much on my plate for the wrong reasons. I hope you're challenged and blessed by this post!
A socially admired insanity (and the two-letter word that cures it)
It's such a hard word.
I mean, I’m the nerdy Word Girl—teaching English, editing books, and looking up words in the dictionary just for fun. Words like widdershins, nudnik, quaggy, and scrofulous give me goose bumps. Misspelled and incorrectly used words reduce me to tears (okay, not quite…but almost). And one of the many things that attracted me to my husband was his impressive vocabulary. We actually enjoy throwing big, fancy words into our everyday conversations.
But this word—this word is short and seemingly simple. Yet it’s taken me years to grasp it, embrace it, and say it!
Have you already guessed? The word is… “No.”
Ah! Such a difficult word! Such a party-pooping, relationship-killing, disappointing little word for us people-pleasers.
Being the forever “Yes Girl,” I spent years suffering from a “no” deficit. But I’m discovering that you can never truly say yes until you are free to say no. I’m also finding that relationships get healthier and happier when there’s freedom to use that magic two-letter word.
I’ll admit, it’s gotten a little easier to say in the past year and a half, thanks to God’s amazing grace and one amazing man. When Eddie walked into my life, I was a social butterfly spinning out of control. And for the most part, I loved it! I thrived on my insane schedule and ever-growing social circle of wonderful friends and acquaintances. On the one hand, I was blessed and enriched by these many relationships and activities during my years of singleness; on the other hand, I was stretched way too thin, and I think my pride was fed by having so many “people to see, places to go.”
Not only socially, but also occupationally I overextended myself. I was passionate about my work, so I became a prime candidate for taking on myriad extra responsibilities and wearing so many hats that I could have opened my own millinery shop. I loved what I did, but I did too much. I really tried to say “n-n-n-nooooo,” but my people-pleasing heart usually slapped a hand over my mouth before the scary little word could ever come out.
I slept very little in those days in order to keep up with my life. I started getting sick more often, and I saw telltale signs of “emotional burn-out.”
The Lord forced me to take stock of my pace and priorities, motivating me by my desire to make time for Eddie. (It probably wouldn’t have gone over very well if I’d said to my new boyfriend, “I think I can squeeze you into my schedule three weeks from now, between 5:00 and 7:00 p.m.”) Through this re-evaluation process, I began to see how habitually I said “yes” to people and opportunities when really I needed to say “no.” I started to identify specific unhealthy habits: responding emotionally to requests; being motivated by my desire to please people; and doing things in my own strength, not the Lord’s. Thanks to Eddie and one of my best friends, I also realized that I gave a vast majority of my time to ministry-oriented relationships and short-changed my dearest relationships with family and close friends. I was quickly becoming a “ministry machine” and neglecting to find safe places to let my hair down, be vulnerable and broken, and feel needy. I was giving, giving, giving—but I’d forgotten how to receive. The solution wasn’t to stop ministering; it was to seek the Lord’s heart for a beautiful balance: when to say “yes” and when to say “no,” regardless of who it pleased or upset. (Gulp.)
And it did upset some people. Others extended lavish grace to me as I made drastic changes to my schedule and lifestyle.
Two of my best friends serve as missionaries in remote third-world countries with their husbands and children, and they both say how shocking (even overwhelming) it is to return to the States and the pace of life we all keep...and consider completely normal. I so appreciate their perspective, and it makes me wonder—maybe our bleeding calendars are not a sign of a successful, fruitful life but rather of insanity. A socially admired insanity, true, but insanity nonetheless.
Marriage has intensified my resolve to learn how to say no when needed and to lead a simpler, less-frenzied life. But Eddie and I both realize that in our culture, this resolution will probably need to be renewed regularly for the rest of our lives. There will always be more needs, opportunities, activities, and relationships than we can keep up with—and that easily distract us from what is most important in life.
Exodus 33:14-16 speaks to my heart so beautifully on this issue:
And [God] said, ‘My presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’ And [Moses] said to Him, ‘If Your presence will not go with me, do not bring us up from here.
‘For how shall it be known that I have found favor in Your sight, I and Your people? Is it not in Your going with us, so that we are distinct, I and Your people, from every other people on the face of the earth?’
Rest.
Distinct.
Presence.
In my well-intentioned busyness, am I rushing ahead of the Lord, going where He’s not leading?
Do my unbelieving friends and acquaintances look at my life and sense God’s presence with me—or do they see a super-busy good girl?
Are my priorities clearly ordered by my God, or are they muddled in the tyranny of the urgent?
Am I at rest (because I’m going in God’s presence and strength)? Or am I exhausted and stressed (because I’m going in my own strength)?
I love what I’m learning, and I am so thankful that God is patient with me as He teaches me how to “be still and know that He is God.” How to say no to when necessary so I can wholeheartedly say yes to His plans and priorities!
And now, back to my editing widdershins…
